I’ve been baby hungry basically since our first summer of being married (aka right away). Babies always freaked me out, but Ruben’s sister, Brooktynn, had a baby that first summer we were married and living out in Omaha. And I fell head over heels for that little baby. That baby love grew when I started babysitting for some friends about a year later… People needed to stop handing me their cute babies!
We knew we didn’t want to wait three or five years or have any set time that we really wanted to wait to start trying to grow our little family. We knew we wanted some time with just the two of us, but we also knew we didn’t want to wait too long because I want kind of a big family (6 kids) and we both want to be young parents. We decided in 2017 that at the New Year we would start trying to have kids. A few months before we started trying, I started regularly tracking my period because I wanted to make sure we were doing what we had to during my ovulation days (lol, sorry if this is TMI, but also not sorry). We were trying as much as we could. There were a few months we took off for various reasons (I had a wedding booked 9 months from that day, too many April babies, etc.). I know you can’t really plan when the baby is going to arrive, but we were sure going to try our hardest.
There were a few times where I had thought, “This is it! I’m pregnant! I am one week late!” …. only to start the very next day… Honestly, it was a rough little while. It seemed like everyone I knew was getting pregnant. Friends who weren’t married, friends who were, friends who weren’t trying… I was honestly so happy and equally (and maybe a little more) devastated every single time someone I knew posted they were having a baby. Not that their “yes” meant my “no", I was just honestly really struggling.
I think that the biggest thing I was struggling with was my faith. I had prayed so much that Ruben and I would become parents. I would pray that this would be the month! I would pray that by some miracle, we would be the next ones to announce that we were pregnant. But I felt so alone. I kept having dreams about babies and I was sure that meant that I was pregnant. Only to have the sure sign that I was not. I felt really alone at the time. I felt like God wasn’t hearing my prayers and that surely after 7 months of trying, it had to have happened by now. I was scared that maybe there was something wrong with me. But to be completely honest, we were too poor for me to have health insurance, so I couldn’t even afford to go get checked that everything was working and that getting pregnant was even a possibility for me. I remember the day that I broke down completely in front of Ruben. It was the first time that I had really truly told him how alone and estranged from God I was feeling about this. He, of course, reminded me that God’s silence is not Him saying no and that just because it hadn’t happened yet, didn’t mean it was never going to happen. He reminded me that we had been promised children on this earth. And he reminded me that I had just been hired at a job that would give me health insurance, so that soon enough, we would be able to afford to get me checked out and make sure everything was okay. (He is so good to me. Literally the perfect husband).
It was about a month and a half after Ruben and I had talked and I had my mental breakdown. I had been feeling like I was pregnant for about two weeks, but had not even started my period. I was sure that it was all in my head. That there was absolutely no way that I was actually pregnant. Yes, I was having the same symptoms my mother had before she found out she was pregnant, but I truly thought it was in my head. Well…. That’s not true. I thought it was real. I just was so scared to get my hopes up, only to start my period the next day. Or only to see that blasted Negative sign on the pregnancy test again.
I had told Ruben about a week before I was supposed to start that I was 99% sure I was pregnant. Which would mean the baby would be due in June (literally right after he gets home from tour in Brazil with Living Legends). We decided to wait not just until I was a week pregnant to take the test, but to wait a week and a half (minimum). I had been a week late before only to start on day 8 of “missed period”. So we were going to wait until it was pretty darn evident that I was not going to start. I was so anxious to take that test! Deep down, I knew it was going to be positive, but like I said, I reallyyyyy did not want to get my hopes up. I really did not want to feel that gut wrenching “What’s wrong with me?” feeling again.
It was the best night ever. We had just gotten back from dinner at Ruben’s sister Meredith’s house and I was so anxious to take that test! I was on day 12 of being late and was dying to pee on that stupid stick already! We got home, and I ran to the bathroom, ripped open that pregnancy test, quickly read the instructions and then went to take the test! It says it could take up to three minutes to show the answer and I swear I tried to wait that long to look, but after I peed and put it on the counter, I looked down and within 15 seconds, there it was. That big, fat, beautiful PLUS SIGN!
I screamed “BABE!!!!” and met Ruben in the hallway and I handed him the test and said “we’re having a baby!” I was shaking and crying and so overwhelmed with happiness! It was finally happening. We were really going to have a baby! We hugged and kissed and I cried and we freaked out that holy crap we were going to be parents and holy crap this is actually happening! And then, I remembered I was going to be going to Disneyland in two weeks and cried because I wouldn’t be able to ride the Incredicoaster (it opened after my last trip to Disneyland and I was so excited to ride it finally) because I was pregnant! It was a short wah wah moment, but then it was back to celebrating and freaking out!
The baby is be expected (our rough estimation) to arrive on June 4. Ruben gets back from Brazil and tour May 20 (just barely 2 weeks before), so we’re already praying that baby stays inside until he gets back! But honestly, I still cry thinking about my baby. I cry thinking about how much he is loved already. How much we have waited and cried for and prayed for him. How much he is going to be loved here on this earth and how loved he is before he has even gotten here. We are so happy! And it’s taken everything in us to not tell everyone we know!